It was 6:30 when Rob woke from his deep sleep on the planet of Zephalia. He got up out of bed, stretched, and walked over to his window. It was a bright and sunny day, perfect for being outdoors.
“I am going to go boating today.” he thought to himself. He quickly went over to his calendar that was hung up on the wall to check to see if he had anything else planned for that day. August 15, 2009 was the date, and their was nothing else planned for that day. Rob went outside and walked down to the beach to fetch his skiff. Inside the skiff was a gaff for catching fish, a fishing pole, and some bait. Rob tried to pull the boat into the ocean, but could not move it more than a couple of inches at a time. Rob was a gaunt man, who was very weak, but what he lacked in strength he made up for in kindness.Rob was a poor man, whose whole life relied on catching fish. He often caught much more than he needed. Because he was a very benevolent man, he donated the extra fish that he caught to the poor families of Hawaii.
Eventually Rob got the skiff into the ocean and jumped inside. He floated out getting farther and farther away from the shore. He was out there for a couple of hours when he realized he wasn't going to catch anything. He was about to turn his
skiff around when he saw the water around him turn darker than the rest. Rob started hyperventilating; he didn’t know what was going on. Suddenly an albacore jumped over the side of his boat and back into the water on the other side. Rob dug his paddles into the water hoping for an escape. It was of no use, the paddles were sucked into the water. It was a covey of albacore. They started swimming around him in a circle creating a whirlpool. Rob’s boat started spinning around and around until it was completely submerged by the water. Rob fell unconscious as he saw what he though would be his last sight of the phosphorescence sun.
He woke up a while later. Rob got up and stumbled around for a little while, trying to find out where he was. He was surprised that he was still alive. He then realized that he was in a huge area underwater with a glass covering to keep the water from coming into the building. He was then approached by two albacore. They told him how they thought he was one of the boaters dumping motor oil into the ocean. Rob couldn't believ it. He had heard that there was a secret lair for super intelligent fish, but thought nothing of it. They said they were sorry for their mistake. They then asked Rob to help them annul the boaters that were intoxicating their land.
“Well as long as I am here, I will help the best I can.” Rob groggily stated back. He walked over to his skiff where he picked up his gaff. Rob then realized how weak and tired he was.
“Do you think that I could rest for a little bit before, I am very tired?”
“Yes that would be acceptable.” “Thank you for helping us, you are truly altruistic” The fish men replied. “ We will take you to the spare quarters."
The fish men walked down a narrow hallway with glass windows. Rob looked out of them and noticed all the small hamlets scattered along the sea floor. They kept on walking until they reached a small cast iron door. Rob opened it and inside was an amazing room. There were maritime paintings, rugs, and even his bed was maritime themed. Rob occluded the door and was finally in silence. He tried to go to sleep, but because of everything that had gone on, he was too excited. After finally drifting off to sleep for a couple of minutes, a loud siren went off. The two fish men banged on Rob’s door until he opened it. They told him how the boaters were in their big skiff and they had barrels with them that were filled with oil. Rob got up and headed back to where his skiff and gaff were. He got inside his boat and clutched the gaff in his hand. The fish men pressed a button on the wall and his boat began to levitate toward the ceiling. Before he left they gave him an
anecdote of what to do once Rob confronted the evil boaters.
Once he got to the surface he felt a warm zephyr flow by his face. It was warm out, and there was a thin layer of fog surrounding the air. He tried to look for the boaters, but he couldn’t see anything. He tried to listen to see if he could hear them. He heard the clamor of the two men arguing. One of the sailors was inoculating the other on how to properly use a paddle to row the boat. They kept on fighting paying no attention to where they were going. Rob paddled closer making sure to keep out of the sight of the bickering men. This is where Rob had an idea of his own. He grabbed his gaff and dove into the water. He swam under the water until he was underneath the boaters skiff. As hard as he could he thrust the gaff into the bottom of the skiff. The gaff made a small hole, in the bottom of the boat. The men were so busy fighting that they didn’t notice the water spewing in until there feet were completely underwater. Once they did notice Rob jumped into the boat, to see the barrel the oil was in. The top of the barrel had not been opened yet. Rob grabbed the barrel and threw it to the side, making it fall out of the boat. The men jumped out of the boat also, and started chasing Rob. This is when the ocean around them became darker. The bevy of albacore had come to help Rob get rid of the barrel and the men. They once again circled around the men creating a whirlpool, that sucked everybody down into the fish men headquarters. The men were taken captive by the albacore men and were to be kept in the jail cell underwater for the next five years. Rob was about to finally go home when the albacore men came and bestowed a crown upon Rob.
“ Will you stay and be our king?” they asked
“ I would love to, but I am not a fish and it would not seem right to rule over you all.” Rob courageously said back. The fish men accepted his decision, and then abetted him on his way back home. They latched onto his skiff and swam him into shore. Rob got onto the beach and walked up to his house. Before he went inside he turned around to wave goodbye, but the fish men were already gone.
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AUTHOR's NOTES
What I would like my reader to get out of this story is a great adventure that is entertaining, and that they think is original.The theme I am trying to get across is that if you do something wrong then it will always come back to bite you in the butt.
What I think worked well in the story is my plot. I think this because it was original and entertaining. What was easy to write was my introduction.
What was not working well was my conclusion. The problems that I encountered were that I could not find an way that I thought would effectively close my story. The weak area of my story is probably my body paragraphs, because they might be confusing. My conclusion was difficult to write. The questions that I have about my piecce is if it makes sence. The feedback that would be the most beneficial would be about conventions and if my story makes sense. There is nothing in particular I would like my reader to comment on.
1. The main conflict in this story is that there are men dumping oil into the ocean and it's hurting the super intelligent fish that lived beneath the water. This is an external conflict. Rob, the main character, helps resolve conflict by sinking the men's boat and allowing the albacore to suck them down into their lair, where they were put in prison. I was very invested in this resolution. It was perfectly dramatic.
2. Rob does somewhat change over time. He learns all about the secret underwater fish, and at the end he understands that he cannot be their king because it would not be right. Had this epiphany of his not taken place, he might have accepted their offer and become their king, which would have changed the whole ending.
3. My favorite part of the story was when he shoved his gaff through the bottom of the boat, causing it to sink. It occurred right about at the climax.
"He swam under the water until he was underneath the boaters skiff. As hard as he could he thrust the gaff into the bottom of the skiff."
I thought that was a very creative way to defeat the men; I wasn't sure how he planned to stop them, so I thought the way he did it was cool.
4. The best quality of the story was that it was very unpredictable.I thought it was neat how the whole story took place on a different planet, even though it mentions Hawaii (lol). The super intelligent fish were also a fun idea.
5. The theme of the story is that if you mess with nature, then nature is going to mess with you, and that is always what happens. It starts out when the fish talk about the bad men polluting the ocean, and by the end the fish have struck back.
6. One of the only things I can think of for the author to revise is the balance between narration and exposition. There was more of the latter than the former.
Skiff -noun - a flat bottomed row boat - he was a fisherman
Gaff -noun - a spear-his fishing equipment
Gaunt -adjective - thin and bony- he was a gaunt man
Benevolent -adjective - good and kind- he was a benevolent man
Hyperventilating -adjective - to breath quick and short- when he was abducted he hyperventilated
Albacore -noun - tuna fish- he caught theses and was ubducted by them
Covey -noun -small group- the albacore were in a covey
Submerged -adjective - below something- he submerged in the ocean
Phosphorescence -noun -natural glowing light- the sun
Annul -verb -to destroy- he had to annul the boaters
Intoxicated -adjective - mentally or physicall exhillerated.- He was intoxicated
Altruistic -adjective - a giving person- he was very altruistic
Maritime -adjective -having to do with the ocean- his room was maritime themed
Hamlets -noun - small vilages- there were hamlets on the ocean floor
Occluded -verb - to shut- he occluded the door to his room
Anecdote -noun -a short description- the albacore gave him an anecdote
Zephyr -noun - a gentle breeze- there was a zephyr on the ocean
Clamor -noun -loud talking- there was clamor from the boaters
Inculate -verb - to teach- the boaters were inculating each other
Bevy -noun- a small group- there was a bevy of fish
Bestow -verb -to give- they bestowed a crown to him
1) The greatest change from my first draft to my final copy is that I made my story make more sense and I fixed my conventional errors.
2) The peer edit was more helpful for me because there was a lot of information that the other person ad to fill out and it told me exactly what I needed to do to ake my story better.
3) I think that my stories greatest strength is its plot. I think that it is an interesting plot that will make my reader want to keep reading.
4) The advise that I would give to nexy years students is to make a story that is completely original, because if it is origianl than your readers will want to keep reading because they will not know what happened.
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